I often get home on Thursday nights when Andrew Neil’s “This Week” is on television. This programme seems to be more irritating over time as it becomes less about the week’s politics and more about how raunchy the hosts can get without being sent to a pay-per-view channel.

For example, have you noticed how the chairs have got more reclined. As a viewer, I am concerned that I am seeing more and more of Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott from an increasingly unusual angle. When I bump into them in the Palace, I feel tempted to get on my knees so I can verify it really is them.

Furthermore, Abbott & Portillo seem to be getting uncomfortably close. He says something lame in an attempt to be witty, she giggles and touches her hair - Why on earth don’t they just get a room and be done with it?

There is one person in the palace who has seen more of Diane Abbott than even This Week’s viewers. This particular young, fresh-faced and innocent staffer went to the toilet one day - only to find the smallest room engaged. He proceeded to the nearest alternative - the disabled loo, he walked in - and there she was, in all her glory - Diane Abbott on her throne.

I couldn’t possibly betray a confidence and tell you the name of the young man but if you see someone looking somewhat ashen and still speaking with a slight stutter, give him a hug. He needs it.

Recess Monkey
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