My last night of excess here in the palace started at the Christmas Party of the self-declared “Millennium Group” of Labour MPs - those elected in the 21st century. The event was enormously funny, the highlights of which included wine, brownies, an appearance by a devilishly attractive Santa Claus, musings on how various members of the group would meet their political downfall in the coming decades and of course, the group’s annual awards ceremony.

Sadly, I cannot be too indiscreet or else I won’t be invited next year. However, I don’t think James Purnell would mind me relating the very unlikely future allotted to him in jest by his parliamentary colleagues.

PURNELL RETIRES AFTER RECORD SERVICE

The longest serving unpaid whip in the House of Commons has finally called it a day. James Purnell was seen as a rising star when, in 2004, he became a government whip in the wake of David Blunkett’s resignation as Home Secretary. However, 22 years later, Mr Purnell has decided to call it a day. “I kept getting told I would get paid after the next reshuffle, then after the next one, then the next one…” said Mr Purnell (74).

After this event, celebrations rolled on to the Strangers Bar, which inevitably closed at closing time. At this point cabs were taken to an Italian bar/restaurant in Soho, where innocent bystanders found themselves dancing with Recess Monkey to Sinatra singing Christmas songs. It is possible that activities continued at a Spanish Bar with a Latvian barmaid and then at a late club in Chinatown with some random French people.

I don’t remember too much but I had a shock this afternoon when I recalled a particular event last night. I was introduced to an MP, whom I had not previously encountered. After asking me my name, he was greatly offended when I asked the same of him. I seem to remember being less than diplomatic and perhaps escalating the situation a little. I may have ended up saying, “I don’t sit in my office all day long poring through Dods so I can find out who the fuck you are!”. It may be in order to apologise to that individual next time I meet him.

At the end of this, it was necessary to do for the last time what has been done many times before - Recess Monkey kipped in the office on the comfy chair.

There is a great deal affection between Recess Monkey and the comfy chair and this morning was not the first time my understanding employer has come in to find me curled up like a mouse in a nest. A select few people have come to appreciate the full versatility of the comfy chair and to those who follow me and partake of the embrace of the comfy chair, I promise I have done my utmost to remove forensic evidence of my crimes.

So this is it. My last post as a House of Commons insider. Either the emotion or the experience of my first ever hangover is making me quite tearful. I’ll be down at the Sports & Social after work today saying goodbye.

Happy Christmas everyone.

I’ve got to go now.

It’s all a bit much.

Bye then.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com