On Thursday, Recess Monkey attended his first Christmas Party of the season. This pre-emptive social strike made by lobbyists’ networking group PubAffairs. You can’t knock those lobbyists - the event took place in a cramped and intimate basement bar, where the frantic networking frenzy was fuelled with alcohol and hormones. To be honest, the sexual tension all got a bit much for me and Recess Monkey was forced to get some fresh air or risk spontaneous combustion. However, the only way of getting out of the public affairs professionals’ throng was to submit to receiving fistfulls of business cards.

But this wasn’t the end of the evening. Recess Monkey headed back to the Palace for the Sports & Social Club Karaoke night, an occasion that will be filed in the memory for various reasons. Reason number one revolved around some rivalry between Recess Monkey and an Elvis-lovin’ Researcher (known as “Gutbuster” on these pages) whose admiration for The King has resulted in a mimicry of both his music and his dietary requirements.

For weeks, Gutbuster has suggested that he would end the evening with the best performance of the night. In reality, the man with the famous appetite was blown away by a soulful rendition of “Me & Mrs Jones” sung by none other than Recess Monkey himself. Sadly, I couldn’t claim the accolade for the best performance, which would have to go to a little LibDem with a big voice for her belting of “It’s raining men”.

As Recess Monkey headed home, he came across another seasonal reveller, who had just got in trouble with the Police. Evidently, he had been giving a late night “tour” to a female guest after the Karaoke and she had decided to do cartwheels in the Speaker’s Garden. This had raised a few eyebrows amongst security staff monitoring security cameras but despite giving the couple a good talking to, the Police were not exactly certain what rules had been broken.

Expect a memo this week from the behosed dictator outlawing cartwheels on the Palace precincts.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com
(Currently ridiculously happy by the way)

Ilford North MP received a telephone call from the Refreshment Department approximately eight hours after her EDM 10 on Fair Trade Bananas was tabled.

A Palace of Westminster Official reassured Linda that they will act on pressure from her, and from MP Dennis Turner, to seek a supply of fair trade bananas for the Palace eateries.

Linda told Recess Monkey, “I am absolutely delighted that the refreshment department acted so quickly to resolve this matter.”

We might still have some sort of banana-related celebration (and photo opportunity) but in the mean-time, please think of other ways we can harness the power of the monkey. An EDM on vending machines perhaps?

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

MPs and staff are saddened by the news that veteran MP Tony Banks is to retire at the next General Election. Tony is one of the most interesting MPs currently on the benches. Shortly after his election in the safe Labour seat of West Ham in 1983, he offered to resign so that Tony Benn could stand in a by-election. Benn had unexpectedly lost his seat.

In November 1991, Tony’s style shone in an exchange with the then Leader of the House John MacGregor.

Mr. Tony Banks : To ask the Lord President of the Council if he will ask the Advisory Committee on Works of Art to make proposals for using the two vacant plinths in the Members Lobby.
Mr. MagGregor : I have no plans to do so.
Mr. Banks : What a very dull and unimaginative response that was. Is the Lord President aware of the wonderful opportunity that has been missed? If one of the plinths in the Members Lobby had been occupied by a statue of the right hon. Member for Finchley (Mrs. Thatcher), one year ago almost to the day joyous Londoners could have pulled it down, rather like Muscovites toppled the statue of Feliks Dzerzhinsky? If Stalinists in eastern Europe are to have their statues toppled, why did not we have an opportunity to do it to the west’s great Stalinist? In view of her good contribution on Europe, may we have a statue out there, provided that she meets the necessary qualification?

Another memorable Banksy moment in the Chamber occurred a year later.

Mr. Tony Banks : I need your protection, Madam Speaker. [Laughter.] Conservative Members may think that my point is flippant, but it is not. A very unfortunate rumour is going around the press lobby at the moment that I know somewhat more than I have so far said about the appearance of a small Hitler moustache on the portrait of Baroness Thatcher that was hanging at 1, Derby gate. As you have responsibility for works of art–although it is rather difficult to describe said portrait as a work of art–I want you to know, Madam Speaker, that I know nothing whatsoever about the incident. I did not put the Hitler moustache on the portrait–nor, as someone else has said, were I the chairman of the Greater London arts committee would I have considered the artist for a grant.

Tony will be missed and this place will be less fun without him.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

EDM 10
SALE OF BANANAS IN THE PALACE OF WESTMINSTER 23.11.04
Perham/Linda
s House notes that Fair Trade bananas are not available in any of the Palace of Westminister’s eateries; further notes the website www.recessmonkey.com is campaigning with staff to make a Fair Trade banana available in the Palace precincts; and calls upon the catering departments to provide this alternative as soon as possible.

The Banana Campaign is afoot and EDM 10 already has five signatures. Details of photo opportunities will be posted here but in the meantime, get your MP to support the EDM.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

As my birthday looms and my parents remind me that I still have neither a wife nor children - and isn’t it time I got a proper job - Recess Monkey can be forgiven for being just a little insecure.

So it doesn’t go down well when people start describing Recess Monkey as venerable.

What exactly are they implying?

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Things are getting nasty in Portcullis House. Serjeant @ Arms staff are travelling in pairs for fear of attack and there is talk that Sir Michael Cummins is soon to introduce the principle of Droit du Seigneur for all new staffers.

The new tension has been brought to boiling point over the decision to remove from most of Portcullis House the convenient vending machines, a valuable source of junk food sustenance for staff working late or at weekends.

Staff found out about the decision by way of signs adhered to the vending machines and in the lifts.

Most frustrating was the reason given by the Serjeant @ Arms of the “unacceptable fire risk” posed by the vending machines in the lift lobbies. BUT THEY’RE ONLY THERE BECAUSE YOU GOT RID OF THE INFORMAL MEETING AREAS!

Today, in a response to the Serjeant @ Arms dictat, unknown staffers have been posting seditious material.

All Recess Monkey can say is “Vive La Revolution, Down with behosed dictators”

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

note just in,

Queen spotted NOT wearing V Pass!

Serjeant @ Arms no doubt going ballistic as we speak.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Ilford North MP Linda Perham has today kindly tabled the EDM below in support of the Recess Monkey campaign to have Fair Trade bananas stocked in the Palace of Westminster restaurants and cafeterias. Please get your MP to sign this EDM. We are also organising a photo opportunity for MPs and staff supporting the campaign.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Bananas in the Palace of Westminster

That this House notes that Fair Trade bananas are not available in any of the Palace of Westminster’s eateries; further notes the website www.recessmonkey.com is campaigning with staff to make a Fair Trade banana available in the Palace precincts; and calls upon the catering department to provide this alternative as soon as possible.

Last night saw the finals of the 2004 Annie’s Bar Pool Tournement. In the first semi-final, MP David Wright was seen off comprehensively by Palace Official, Peter “Spinky” Brooksbank, the winner of the 2002 inaugural trophy. Peter is known Spinky due to a very slight resemblance to Castle Point MP Bob Spink.

The second semi saw the ladies’ favourite, Government Whip Jim “The Poplar Potter” Fitzpatrick MP crumble against the full weight of Labour colleague Tony Wright.

The Final was a five frame nail-biter that came down to both contenders chasing the 8 ball around the table. Peter Brooksbank was the eventual winner, having nipped out between frames to down a couple of Budvars.

Afterwards, celebrations continued in the Strangers Bar and then on to the St Stephens Tavern, where one MP managed to precis the Kama Sutra in to two key points.

Non-sporting highlight of the evening would be the performance of MC Stephen Pound, whose oratory contained enough lewd innuendo for at least three Carry On films.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com