Teresa Black, assistant to Ian Stewart MP, was this week at the heart of a scandal that saw the resignation of Speaker Michael Martin’s PR consultant, John Stonborough.

Evidently, Stonborough sent an email to Guy Black, Michael Howard’s Press Secretary, gloating over media hits on Labour MPs over office expenses - an email that didn’t conform to the usual standards of impartiality expected of Crown Servants. However, the email intended for Guy Black ended up in the inbox of Teresa Black, who rightly reported the somewhat partisan communication to the appropriate authorities.

Ironically, Teresa would have expected “naughty” emails to go to her boss Ian Stewart MP, whose namesake Iain Stewart runs the Conservative Parliamentary Resource Centre.

Now, just for giggles, send Guy Black the following email…

Dear Teresa,
I have some killer dirt on [insert Tory MP’s name here]. Give me a ring if you want to hear more…

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

In response to numerous requests from fellow staff, Recess Monkey has made first contact with Bananalink about a campaign to get Fair Trade Bananas on the menus un Palace of Westminster Eateries.

This campaign will involve photo opportunities with people dressed in banana outfits, an EDM in the new session and maybe some written PQs. If you want to help me organise this, email me.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

The office of Keith Vaz has confirmed that the Kids Club Christmas Party will not end after half an hour and will in fact end at 6pm.

So I don’t want to receive any more comments about Scrooge McVaz MP!

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Keith Vaz has just called in to the Library and left some forms for this year’s Westminster Kids Club Christmas Party. The party, for the children (aged between 3 and 10 years old) of Members and staff of the Palace of Westminster, will be held on Wednesday 15 December in the Members’ Dining Room from 16.30 to 17.00.

Some forms will be left in the Reference Room and Derby Gate Library - others can be obtained from Rebecca Binns in Keith Vaz’s office (extn: 4605)

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

A letter arrives from the RSPCA warning that “hunts may choose to protest by dumping hounds in public places including anti-hunt MPs’ offices and homes”.

Staffers hounded by nightmares after tripping over a mouldy mutt on the way to work might consider suing the hunt in question for the ensuing trauma on a no-fee-no-win basis.

Curiously, Countryside Alliance’s solicitor Matthew Knight of Knights Solicitors http://www.knights-solicitors.co.uk/articles/mdmk0002.htm has nothing to say about the legality of dumping dead dogs outside offices and homes. However, he does point out that a dog is “dangerously out of control” under the Dangerous Dogs Act when there are “grounds for reasonable apprehension that it will injure any person whether or not it actually does so”, with the owner liable for a £5,000 fine or six months in prison.

Whoops! Accidents will happen…

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Recess Monkey yesterday removed the passwords for the Flying Colours photo proofing page from this website. Flying Colours’ letter to me is attached below. I really must add that they have provided me with an excellent service and I’m very happy with the pictures they took.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Dear Recess Monkey,

Tel: 0207 386 8080
Fax: 0207 386 8041
Email:mail@flycols.com

V Passes

Rumour has it that V Passes are now available on ebay. If you know where, please send me a link. And how much do you think they would go for?

Rogues Gallery

Flying Colours have sent me a very nice email and I have consequently removed the passwords from my site. I still have my job!

Bananagirl

NO - I HAVE NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE! I am pure in both heart and deed. This is a serious issue and if you want fair trade bananas to be available in the Palace, contact me now and I will put in the effort required to make this change!

Epolitix Charity Champions Awards

Don’t forget to nominate the Monkey slate! http://bill.verity-networks.com/ext/recess/index.php/2004/10/13/the_power_of_the_monkey

The future of Recess Monkey

I have been asked by a number of people in Westminster & Whitehall to run Monkey Singles ads. What are your views on this? What would we call it? Eros Monkey?

…and by the way - I love you all (and probably should have drunk less before writing this update)

*hic*

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Dear Sir/Madam

Angelo Evangelou
Hansard Society
9 Kingsway
London WC2B 6XF
Direct Line: 020 7395 4016
Hansard Society: 020 7395 4000
www.hansardsociety.org.uk

Shall we have more pics of staffers with grandees on Recess Monkey?

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

Since the conference season, some of us have been thinking about having a campaign in Parliament to stock the cafeterias with Fair Trade bananas as currently, we don’t even have the option of buying a fair banana. Such a campaign would hopefully include an EDM and written PQs.

However, it is important we have broad support so please make your feelings known about whether or not we should go ahead with this either in the comments section or by email to me. In particular, please get in touch if you are able to be specifically active in this campaign.

If we are successful, I shall undertake to identify and track down banangirl in the picture and invite her to celebrate this victory.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com

You may have seen these things hanging around the Palace.

Since the Eton Hooray Rampager attack earlier this year, various people have been running around trying to justify their jobs. One bright spark came up with the idea of making all visitors wear V Passes - because, as we all know, it’s impossible to invade the chamber while wearing one. Actually that’s bollocks because until they fit them to release 1000 volts at the press of a button, these passes won’t stop anyone doing anything. One side effect of their introduction is the sprouting of highly unattractive waste paper bins at every exit so visitors can relinquish their passes at the end of their visit.

However, it seems a number of visitors have been retaining their passes. 6,000 were purchased at first and within three weeks, half of them had gone missing. The Authorities are about to take delivery of another 2,000. With a loss rate of 1,000 passes a week, this will soon have budgetary implications for someone in Westminster.

Meanwhile, people wearing V Passes have been seen in Charing Cross, Piccadilly Circus and even in Selfridges in Oxford Street. I truly wish I was making this up. It seems that as you can’t buy them, the V Passes have become much sought after by tourists. If you can get hold of some, I would do so quickly as they are likely to become a collector’s item. The life expectancy of the V Passes in their current form is probably proportionate to the job security of the joker who thought them up.

Recess Monkey
recessmonkey@gmail.com