The following is an extract from an edict received by staff today from the Serjeant @ Arms.

SEARCHING OF PASS-HOLDERS
All pass-holders, except Members, will in future be subject to random searches and baggage checks. This will be applicable at all entry points to the Parliamentary Estate.

This means that any member of staff could be searched on getting to work. But what will we be searched for? Just weapons and bombs or will seditious literature also be confiscated? More importantly, will we no longer be able to bring play darts in the Sports & Social Club if we can’t get them into work?

A source at the Transport & General Workers Union expressed shock that staff were not consulted before implementation of this draconian rule. In particular, staff are less likely to be amused when watching MPs swan around the precincts without passes now that we’re at risk of getting our cavities scrutinised.

Any concerns about this aspect of the new rules should be emails to the Serjeant @ Arms, Michael Cummins, who has the usual email address.

Recess Monkey

Has anyone heard of “The Committee“?

Unless someone’s pulling Recess Monkey’s chain, The Committee is a shadowy and loose association of gay Tory staff, who rule the fourth floor of Portcullis House.

It is not certain whether The Committee has political aims within the Tory party or if it is just a way of not getting beaten up bu other staff on the way home from work.

A Monkey Mole in The Committee would be very welcome indeed.

Recess Monkey

It seems that the Tory Party has been endorsed by boyband “Busted”. However, this may come as a surprise to the average Tory MP, who is unlikely to have heard of the youngsters. No comment has yet been issued from CCO on bandmember Jay’s statement, “From the financial position I am in now, I am a f*****g Tory boy too,”.

Recess Monkey

Deepest apologies are owed to Nicholas Soames. A Monkey Mole bumped into the Tory Party’s biggest gun at conference this week and asked him what he thought of his recent coverage on Recess Monkey.

Soames said, “That Recess Monkey, utter balls, Dido’s from Islington and is as British as me…which of course is very British.”

The Monkey is of course deeply flattered that Soames is a reader and apologises whole-heartedly for any offence. In fact, if Boris Johnson declines, perhaps Nicholas - as the Tories’ second most popular MP - might be prepared to become Recess Monkey’s patron?

Recess Monkey

(NB. look up fulsome in the dictionary)

Many thanks to Guido Fawkes http://5thnovember.blogspot.com/ for drawing attention to www.polidex.co.uk

Polidex is a trading game where you can buy shares in MPs. The top five shares at the moment are;

1. Diane Abbott £15.14
2. Tony Blair £14.59
3. Lembit Opik £11.69
4. Charles Kennedy £11.67
5. Gordon Brown £10.76

So at least poor Lembit is beating Simon Hughes at something!

Recess Monkey

Need to talk to someone? Don’t know where to turn? The Library is here to help…

Friday 29 October
Morning
Pensions including the possible pensions crisis (Louise Butcher)
Afternoon
Immigration (Arabella Thorp)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/3712102.stm

The BBC and a number of other news outlets are running a comment on a video shown at Tory conference wherein the Shadow Cabinet tells the party faithful (those who are not at UKIP conference) what CD they last purchased.

Perhaps the most unbelievable assertion was that of Nicholas Soames, who led viewers to believe he was a fan of Dido. Quite by coincidence, Westminster’s greateast Dido fan happens to be Soames’ assistant Arminka. Of course, she may have introduced the political heavyweight to the scandinavian songstress’ charms but my guess is that he’s heard the name bandied around the office and remembered it. Recess Monkey is no body language expert but on camera, Soames looked away and scratched the left side of his face as he sought to think of an answer.

Anyone who happens to be at Tory conference, please tap Soames on the shoulder and ask him to name a Dido song and let me know his response. In the meantime, I’m looking forward to seeing if Dido’s label puts out a press release distancing her from the Shadow Cabinet.

Recess Monkey

How could I forget! Recess Monkey bumped into the Evening Standard’s Paul Waugh at the Indie bash at Labour Conference.

Admittedly, I was just a little tipsy and I told the man pretty much what i said in this post. http://bill.verity-networks.com/ext/recess/index.php/2004/09/15/is_it_time_to_break_up_the_evening_stand#comments

I also went on to tell him that he was lucky he didn’t look like his picture in the Evening Standard as if he did, he’d probably have been lynched by now. To be fair, the man took the criticism well and with good humour - either that or I had sedated him with my breath’s alcohol content.

On the way out I had a five-minute chat with the Indies’ circulation manager about how to increase sales. I may have said something along the lines of, “Sometimes I want to see something other than Iraq on the front page”. The man obviously took my comments seriously as he gave me an Indie keyring by way of thanks as he escorted me out of the party.

Recess Monkey

After a few days of quite a flat conference, Wednesday night was a killer.

The Mirror Party was, for the second year running, the very best party in town. The live band played lots of Blues Brothers and Commitments style standards, which were just the thing to keep a highly diverse audience happy. The event was slightly marred at about 11.30-midnight, when they started to charge for drinks.

Eventually - maybe 1ish, they kicked us out and about 2-300 people crammed into the Grand Hotel Bar. At this point, DTI Special Adviser and bloody good pianist Jim Godfrey did his annual turn on the piano and anyone foolish enough to be in bed got to hear football chant style renditions of “Oh, Sally can wait”, “Hey Jude” and least 20 other songs.

Inevitably, “The Red Flag” was played and Billy Bragg seemed magically to suspend himself from a wall so he could lead the throng. The next morning, there were many sore heads and sore throats and maybe some sore other bits too. Various corners of the conference centre contained huddles of people muttering things like, “did I really do that?” and “in front of my boss?”.

Not to be outdone, Recess Monkey plans to practice really hard this year so he can take on Godfrey in a battle of pianists.

Recess Monkey

At Labour conference, Cherie was at a football-related event, chatting to a journalist in a manner that could be thought of as mildly flirtatious.

When the young man said he was a journalist, Cherie asked, “Do you play for the Press Gallery side?”

When he replied in the affirmative, observers report that Cherie took a lingering look up and down the young hack and said, “Yes, you are very athletic aren’t you”.

Of course, Recess Monkey has no intention of adding any opinion to this bare statement which has probably been exaggerated by the mole in any case.

Recess Monkey