http://www.shaunwoodward.com

Shaun Woodward MP, widely considered to be a member of the New Labour Praetorian Guard, has launched his new website. As you would expect, it is glitzy, glossy and highly professionally maintained. In fact, the staffer responsible deserves a medal.

However, Woodward has broken with the New Labour “Control Freak” principle by including a blog on his site where people can post anything they want. This is known as his “Online Office” but it is clearly understood that a number of people who post comments will be from outside his constituency.

Ever supportive of direct democracy, Recess Monkey urges anyone with a serious and cogent query to post it on Mr Woodward’s site, particularly on the subject of Transgender Rights, the issue on which Mr Woodward has received the most recent press coverage. To be fair, Shaun has a principled and compassionate stand on transgender rights, which predates his own drastic conversion some years ago.

Recess Monkey

Who said Tory girls are refined and subtle?

A female Tory Staffer was recently overheard approaching a strikingly attractive young man with the line, “If you’re not gay, will you go out with me?”. She did not receive a positive response.

Also recently, another Tory girl was observed dancing on a table at a social event. Perhaps not shocking in itself but Recess Monkey’s source was insistent this young lady was not wearing the standard array of underwear.

Standards are slipping!

Recess Monkey

As the evenings get lighter and the weather gets warmer, Recess Monkey feels obliged to warn Staffers against certain al fresco activities on the Roof Terrace, also known, since the “House of Cards” television series in the 1990s as “The place where people get tossed off”.

It was only last year that a couple on the roof were rudely interrupted by security in the course of such activities. Observers from the 6th floor of Portcullis House believe the amorous couple’s key objectives had been achieved before security stepped in but that some necessary “tidying up” was still in progress.

The Palace Authorities don’t seem to have offered guidance on the sanctions to which Staffers will be subject if caught in the course of inappropriate conduct on the roof but last year’s transgressor - a Palace employee rather than Staffer in an MP’s office - still seems to be employed on the precincts.

If brave Staffers are insistent that love should overcome this tyranny and feel they can get away with a quickie, they should be mindful of the presence of discrete security cameras around the Palace and the rumours of racy footage already circulating amongst security staff.

Recess Monkey

Recess monkey heard a sad tale today about an intern who was innocently forking a lettuce and tomato salad in the Debate when she shocked surrounding staffers by flattening herself against her chair and pointing a trembling finger at the plastic container.

A brief inspection revealed an inch long black caterpillar munching on a crispy iceberg leaf, unaware of the attention he was getting from his human companion diner.

As the sensitive girl from Philadelphia fought down impending hysteria, a red-cheeked refreshment matriarch removed the insouciant insect together with the salad and told her she could have anything she wanted from the menu or desert shelves in its place.

Sadly, the cries of a staffer on the same table to ‘bring back the chocolate counter’ went unheeded.

Now Recess monkey is not suggesting the caterpillar was deliberately planted, but 17 KitKats per millipede would have been a good exchange rate, scuppered only by the poor girl losing her appetite.

Recess Monkey

Recess Monkey is well known as an efficient worker. In fact, he often manages to get a whole day’s work done in about 3 hours, requiring him to fill the rest of the day with coffee breaks, “working” lunches and the occasional early afternoon Pimms. You would be justified in thinking it would be impossible for the Monkey to improve his efficacy - but as of yesterday, he is more effective than ever.

WWP is the company that provides training for MPs’ staff and Recess Monkey, due to their impressive training abilities, has now extended his skills in Microsoft Excel. He recommends WWP training without any doubts and you can get info on their wide range of courses from the “Training” page on www.w4mp.org

And you can expect a flurry of pie charts and spreadsheets posted on this column over the coming weeks.

Recess Monkey

A Mounted Police Officer was today travelling over Westminster bridge when it when the horse freaked, threw its rider off, kicked around a bit (like Buckaroo), then ran off to Parliament sq.

It apprears the horse eyeballed Winston Churchill for a while but decided to have a go at everything else in sight instead. Now they’ve closed Westminster Station as a precaution. I suspect an Anti-Social Behaviour Order will ensue.

Of course David Davis will no doubt use this as a further example of Blunkett’s failure as Home Secretary.

Recess Monkey

The Interns’ Network has been mentioned before on this site because of its campaign to better the lot of those less fortunate than ourselves. Although Recess Monkey wholeheartedly agrees with their aims, the ramifications for some Staffers are potentially far ranging.

There are certain questions one must ask. These are;

What can one do with an intern?
What can one do with someone else’s intern?
What can one do with an intern in the week before they go back to their native land?
What are the implications for Staffers of the litigious nature of American Interns?
At what point does one explain to American Interns about the whole “Bum Bag / Fanny Pack” linguistic arena?
How does one punish a bad intern?

Please don’t send your responses to Recess Monkey as he has already ceased caring.

Recess Monkey

Public Consultation

In an effort to win hearts and minds, Recess Monkey has had some ideas for more reader interactivity and your thoughts on those plans would be appreciated.

1. Allow comments. A volunteer has been found who will sift and delete all the nonsense responses.
2. A “Failure of the Week” entry, where someone from outside Parliament gets nominated for pissing you off in some way. Can be a footballer, a journalist - even an anonymous constituent - whoever happens to have upset you recently.
3. This one’s a bit more complicated - I was thinking of inventing a name of a fictional MP so Staffers can have a go at current and past employers using that fictional name rather than the actual one.
Suggested names include:
Jeffrey Tiddlywinker MP
Raymond Halfpint MP
Paul Marsden MP - (damn, I think that one’s already being used!)
Shirley DeMenthe MP

Further suggestions are encouraged. Please send feedback to w4mp@parliament.uk and those kind chaps will pass your comments on to me. Recess Monkey will be getting his own email address soon!

Recess Monkey

The Sports and Social lived up to at least half of its appelation yesterday as the never ending darts competition roared back into life with the first semi-final (aka the second round) of the doubles tournement. The match was between 2 people (who had previously knocked out a team which included Keith, the former bar manager) and, would you believe it, two other people (lets just call them Researcher plus chef to protect the former since he technically played in work time) who had previously vanquished a team which Recess Monkey holds very close to its black, black heart.

Said the aforementioned Researcher, “The two we were playing were good. I mean really good. We were really there for the taking. So we decided to make it harder for ourselves by agreeing to play best of 5 instead of 3. After winning the first game I thought ‘at least it’s not gonna be a whitewash’. Uncharacteristically, I was so, so wrong, cos we ended up winning the next two. Oh, and I got the winning double.”

With the other semi-final probably at least a week away, we must all now look to the third round draw of the singles. Er, if ever it’s drawn that is. Not sure the Researcher’s anonymity will remain intact for long given that his name is plastered under the dartboard in the S&S - and the fact that he keep emailing people using the subject header “3-0!”

Recess Monkey

Today we were due to see Concorde - or at least bits of it - parked on the Thames at the Terrace on its way to a scrapyard or the Museum of Flight or somewhere. Unfortunately, the barge missed the tide so the whole event has been delayed until next Monday 12th or possibly tuesday 13th. If you’re not on holiday please get down to this historic event with your digital camera and email the pics to w4mp@parliament.uk and they’ll forward them to Recess Monkey.

Recess Monkey