The most exclusive social event this week will be hosted by the SNP, who have got hold of an enormous quantity of Cobra Beer, and which Recess Monkey has been told is not yet past its sell by date.

It appears this event will be Scottish themed and everyone attending will be obliged to do Mel Gibson/William Wallace impressions on entry.

If you have received an invite to this most exclusive of events, please don’t forget to take your digicams as Recess Monkey aims to sell pics to Hello! magazine for at least �100,000.

Recess Monkey

Last week Recess Monkey happened upon Robin Cook reversing his car into into a pillar in the car park at Norman Shaw North.

By now, shouldn’t he be used to not having a ministerial driver?

Recess Monkey

Lots of weblogs let you add your own comments to the entries - but not us. It’s not that we’re worried about engaging in robust debate with our readers, just that we don’t have time to filter out the spam, porn links and abuse and still come up with cool stuff to write…

Staffers today received a message from the Palace Authorities:

“This afternoons evacuation was caused by 2 smoke detectors in the lower ground floor kitchen being activated by a build up of smoke. The alarm system in Portcullis House was working correctly and the evacuation alarm sounded. Thank you for your co-operation.”

Staffers breathed a sigh of relief after the lightning-quick reaction of the Palace Authorities to this dangerous “smoke build-up”. However, Recess Monkey is concerned that staffers have not been told which dish was responsible for the security scare. He has no hard evidence that the Goan Chickpea Soup with l’epi de France bread was to blame - but let’s just say, next time it’s on the menu, Recess Monkey’s going to be in the constituency office just in case.

Soups
Roasted Parsnip and Apple Soup �0.50
Goan Chickpea Soup with l’epi de France Bread �1.60
From the Grill
Swordfish Steak on Fennel Salad with Potato Wedges �3.55
Mains
Cajun spiced stir-fried Lamb on Naan Bread with Riata Sauce �2.55
Slow roasted Belly of Pork on Onion Loaf �2.15
Sweet Potato, Spinach and Roquefort Cheese Quiche with Seasonal Leaves �1.95
Today’s Sauces (for Fusilli Pasta or Baked Potatoes)
Bolognaise Sauce �1.70
Vegetable Curry �1.45
Cod in Parsley Sauce �2.85
Sides
Ratatouille �0.45
Potato Wedges �0.45

Next Thursday, 25 March 6 – 8 pm
Upstairs at The Marquis of Granby, 41 Romney Street
Norwich Union reception for Parliamentary Researchers.
The evening will be really informal and there will lots of free food and drink! Please could you let them know if you are able to attend so they can make sure they cater for the right numbers.
RSVP Grace Reid
Tel: 020 7618 9100
Email: norwichunion@luther.co.uk

Recess Monkey always finds it hard to resist a free babycham. But don’t forget, if you manage to consume more than £274.99 worth of free food and booze, you must register it with the Members’ Staff Register of Interests - email details of your consumption to wainwrightp@parliament.uk - and anyone who manages this feat should also email the details to Recess Monkey, who promises a prize for the most outrageous, registrable abuse of Norwich Union’s hospitality.

While hobnobbing with Norwich Union, Recess Monkey recommends you stick to only two topics of conversation;
1. As one of the two preferred providers of Members’ Staff pensions, what extra benefits could they add to our packages;
2. Why are they outsourcing call centre jobs out of the UK and undermining the British economy

Recess Monkey will also provide inducements for worthwile pictures of the event so take your hi-tech mobiles and digicams.

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk

Recess Monkey’s column isn’t advertised anywhere except by word of mouth. Nevertheless, he still has to justify his existance to his editor, so please send feedback to w4mp@parliament.uk

Negative stuff will be ignored and good feedback will be sent to the editor.

Feed your monkey or he’ll wither away and die!

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk

Recess Monkey has heard staffers in 1 Parliament St bemoan an obligatory round of fire safety training for everyone in that building. Despite the fact that such training is important and could save lives, Parliament St staffers are still seeing it as a bit of a chore.

But why Parliament St and not the other buildings? Recess Monkey decided to investigate…

…On further delving it has been discovered that a fire security alert was recently triggered when a Researcher left some documents on an uplighter. Another staffer turned on the light later and the documents were soon aflame.

The culprit was tracked down by Recess Monkey who in Colombo-like fashion confronted him with his crime. The tearful staffer begged that his name not be mentioned to save him from social pariah status - as there was still one irony left to be told. This careless Researcher was visiting a friend in 1 Parliament St and doesn’t work there himself. So of course, he is not required to go through obligatory fire safety training.

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk

Two young, strapping and masculine examples of stafferhood were spotted in Cafe Nero in Soho at 3am Friday Night/Saturday Morning.

They were obviously winding down after a night clubbing at the inimitable Nadines, otherwise known as La Maison Touaregue on the corner of Greek St and Old Compton St, when a local by the name of Josh was overheard offering to induct both young men simultaneously into the ways of homosexual group sex in the downstairs toilet in the coffee bar. Recess Monkey heard both young men decline Josh’s kind offer.

When confronted by Recess Monkey, one staffer responded, “Sexuality didn’t come into it. Even if it were Halle Berry making the offer, I would have had to decline. Having sex in the toilet of a Soho coffee bar would have been bad enough but seeing my colleague naked would have completely put me off the task in hand”.

88|

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk

Last night, an MPs Researcher was heard on Radio 5 espousing a less than tolerant view of homosexuality. Although the views themselves were surprising considering the open minded environment in which we work, yet more surprising was the Researcher’s naming of his employer.

New and impressionable staffers often come to Recess Monkey for advice so he has prepared the following advice note:

Recess Monkey Advice Note: Bigoted Scum
If you are going to going to express racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise bigoted views in the media;
a) do not name the MP for whom you work unless you are 100% sure they will publicly support your views.
b) do not make your views known to Recess Monkey who will be obliged to slap you with a banana skin until you have seen the error of your ways.

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk

Non-standard signange is rife around the Palace and one of the strangest examples is pictured here and can be found on a ramp near Norah, the flower lady.

It seems that this particular ramp is not to be used by wheelchair users - which begs the question, if you are going to have a ramp, why not make it wheelchair compliant?

However, the signage used is not standard and a few alternative meanings have been suggested:

Javelin throwing wheelchair users only
Pole-vaulting wheelchair users only
Jedi Knight wheelchair users only

As you can see, at least three categories of wheelchair user could be confused by this sign and potentially injured as a consequence. If you have any further examples of potentially harmful non-standard signage around the Palace, please let w4mp know so we can campaign against this discriminatory practice.

As every politician knows, you never piss off the Jedi lobby.

Recess Monkey
w4mp@parliament.uk