A close acquaintance of Recess Monkey has been contacted by someone looking for a tenant for the basement grannyflat in their Smith Square house. Although it has a shared entrance with the main house, the flat has its own bathroom and kitchen and will be available in early October. The owner is looking for a non-smoker with a good sense of humour. Rent is negotiable but in the ballpark of £550 a month.

If you’re interested, send your contact details to Alex Hilton (hiltona@parliament.uk), who will pass them on.

They are specifically looking for someone respectable like an MP’s staffer. Just imagine what time you would have to get up in the morning if you lived three minutes walk away!

Recess Monkey

Have you ever wondered who is the mastermind behind the Working4anMP website?

W4MP Editor Dick Robinson happens to be on holiday at the moment so I have taken the opportunity to post a picture of what Dick looks like at the weekends.

This is a warning to young staffers of what can happen to you if you work for an MP for too long.

Recess Monkey

One of the pleasures of working for an MP is that once in a while you bump into Ealing North MP Steve Pound. I have fond memories of him shouting at me to “get out of the f***ing way!” shortly after I threw a duck off a bridge.

Yes, that’s me in the blue shirt next to David Rendel, pondering my duck throwing skills.

Anyway, it seems Steve has a fan, who has set up a weblog. http://steve-pound.blogspot.com/ These internet stalkers are becoming increasingly popular and although it’s quite new, the author seems keen so let’s hope it lasts. There are many less entertaining MPs to talk about.

Recess Monkey

Tony says the reshuffle will be before the end of the week and already MPs are sitting by their phones like jilted lovers, waiting for them to ring.

Initial plans to make it a “lower order” reshuffle only have been thwarted by the surprise resignation of Andrew Smith MP, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

One Minister once held up a whole reshuffle because he was at the Aldeburgh Music Festival and consequently uncontactable. Fortunately for the young, hip and ambitious Tom Watson, the V Festival ended a week or so ago so he won’t be making the same boob.

Look out for backbench MPs looking smarter than usual or being more aggressive with the opposition in the next couple of days. Incidentally, I think my boss would make a very good Libraries Minister if you’re reading this Tony.

Recess Monkey

Henry De Menthe has a reputation as the the rudest MP towards staff, particularly catering staff. He makes a habit of arriving just before the lunch time rush at the Debate Cafeteria in Portcullis House and taking up one of the large tables next to the fig trees, spreading his paperwork around the table and using it as a desk/meeting place. He never gets food and sits there alone or with a researcher, refusing to give up any table space in the busiest restaurant and the busiest time of the day. The catering staff repeatedly and politely asked him to not do this, but he was so abusive they had to give up.

Recess Monkey’s source was too discreet to repeat de Menthe’s exact words but she did describe him as a “foul, obnoxious little shit”.

It’s probably better that de Menthe doesn’t eat at the Debate or he might find some unortohdox condiments on his meal.

Recess Monkey

It seems that after seven years of combined confusion from the Government and the House of Lords, the issue of hunting with dogs is to return to the House of Commons - and this time, the Parliament Act will be used so the Lords can’t cause too much damage.

I have been reminded of the last Hunting Bill, which in committee stage illicited the following, memorable exchange…

Hunting Bill
Column Number: 907
Standing Committee F
Tuesday 11 February 2003
(Morning)
[Mr. George Stevenson in the Chair]
Mr. James Gray (North Wiltshire): …When grazing, a deer can eat as much as three sheep. A farmer may find as many as 100 deer at a time in his field, and grazing fodder is needed for his herd. [Interruption.] The hon. Member for West Ham (Mr. Banks), who is the president, or some such functionary, of the League Against Cruel Sports—
Mr. Tony Banks (West Ham): Vice-president, actually.
Mr. Gray: The hon. Gentleman says that he is vice-president. I am so sorry. He might know a little more about deer if he were president; however, he is only vice-president, and that explains his ignorance of the subject. The fact is that a deer eats three times as much as a sheep. [Interruption.] I think that the hon. Member for West Ham wants to intervene.
The Chairman: Order. I have tried to guide the Committee away from interventions—particularly sedentary ones—in which words such as the one that I think I just heard are used. We should refrain from that.
Mr. Gray: On a point of order, Mr. Stevenson. Am I right in thinking that the words “Piss off cretin“, which the hon. Member for West Ham used, are unparliamentary?
The Chairman: I am sure that those words, if used, would be unparliamentary. I did not hear them, personally, but I assure the hon. Gentleman that if I did, I would take firm action.
Mr. Gray: Further to that point of order, Mr. Stevenson. I take great personal offence at being described, while making a serious speech on deer hunting, as a cretin by the hon. Member for West Ham. I heard him and it would be reasonable of him to apologise.
The Chairman: I try my best to listen carefully to every contribution. I honestly did not hear those words. If I had heard them, I would have taken the necessary firm action. Can we please have less pickiness from Members when other hon. Members are making contributions?

Recess Monkey

http://dilatedsky.bitpusher.co.uk/sherry/liberal/recruits.htm

This is an interesting link used by supporters of the “Lembit for President” campaign. Lembit Opik and Simon Hughes were the contenders for President of the Liberal Democrat Party, a contest that resulted in Hughes getting 70% of the party vote.

This did seem rather strange to me as Lembit is a thoroughly nice chap and not obviously using these opportunities to position himself for a challenge at the LibDem leadership, which has been suggested of Hughes.

So why did Lembit do so badly? And suddenly, halfway down the page, the answer becomes clear. “Lembit was part of the team who managed Paul Marsden MP’s defection from the Labour Party”. I see, so the party hasn’t yet forgiven him for that.

Perhaps Lembit should go for a seat on Labour’s ruling National Executive Committee. He might get a gratitude vote.

Recess Monkey

Here’s just a thought, when giving tours, did Jonathan Sayeed use the excellent tour script on Working4anMP website? http://www.w4mp.org/html/eni/040413_tours_script.asp

Staffers often find this script useful when giving (free) tours but considering the enormous amounts Sayeed was raking in, maybe some sort of royalty is due to the authors of the script?

Incidentally, I have found an interesting speech made by Jonathan Sayeed in the second reading of the Official Secrets Act 1989. He said, “Crown servants are elevated to a position of trust and are duty-bound to respect the confidence placed in them. Yet should they discover what they believe to be corruption or malpractice, they have not only the facility but the duty to report their concern to the permanent secretary, to the staff counsellor for the security and intelligence services, to the Minister or even to the head of the Civil Service.”

As employees of the Palace of Westminster are Crown Servants, I assume Jonathan Sayeed MP will be pleased to see queues of Serjeant at Arms staff outside the office of the Commissioner for Standards, waiting to report on his activities.

But just a moment, the Minister for the Civil Service is Tony Blair. Are Palace staff supposed to report to the PM directly? I think it’s about time Sayeed clarified his statement.

Maybe it’s about time he resigned instead; and why haven’t we heard a peep from Michael Howard about Sayeed’s activities? If he doesn’t go voluntarily, I think someone should let Martin Bell know so he can be ejected involuntarily at the next election.

Recess Monkey

It seems Mid Bedfordshire MP Jonathan Sayeed has been a naughty boy. The press this week has outed him for taking US tourists on tours of the Palace for £800 a time. There will no doubt be an investigation by the Commissioner for Standards and Sayeed faces a suspension from Parliament at the very least, even if he gives an abject and unqualified apology as soon as the House is again in session. To add to his ignominy, he may even have to append to his Register of Interests, “Part Time Tour Guide”, which is strangely absent from his current entry.

What the public really wants to know is the total amount the entrepreneurial MP earned from his moonlighting activities. However, journalists calling Sayeed’s parliamentary office are receiving the curt response, “He is in the country”. Hunting no doubt.

On further investigation, the whole affair begins to smell somewhat fishy. The English Manner Ltd, the company under which these activities took place, has as its major sharholder Sayeed’s constituency assistant, Alexandra Messervy. The company’s website, has an interesting profile of Messervy, describing her as a “renowned etiquette expert”. Just what every MP needs in a staffer I would have thought. http://www.theenglishmanner.com/Facilitators_alexandra.html

However, the company’s last filed accounts, for the year up to December 2002, state The English Manner made a trading loss of £31,000, the bulk of which was in the form of a debt to Ms Messervy. Now, I love my boss but even I would say no if she asked to borrow 30 grand from me for a dodgy parliamentary financial scam.

Recess Monkey can assure you that this investigation will continue and in the meantime will be setting up “Monkey Tours Inc”, offering tours of the Palace for only £80 a ticket. That’s a 90% discount you know!

Recess Monkey

It is with great sadness that Recess Monkey has to protect the anonymity of those MPs who are the worst employers. Most staffers have a mental blacklist of those MPs for whom they would never work but it would be hard for me to publish an exhaustive list without finding myself defending my opinions in the libel courts.

So once again, I am stuck using the Henrietta de Menthe MP alias instead of the name I really want to use for this particular MP.

Anyway, Henrietta de Menthe was recently spotted escorting two temps, of whom one was in tears, to an “informal meeting area” in Portullis House. You know those areas, where they keep the newspapers and confectionery machines. De Menthe left the temps at a table with some paperwork and said, “read this and perhaps you’ll understand what an MP does. Perhaps then you’ll work out what you’re here for.”

Now I realise the words themselves are not too strong but one of the poor girls was already in tears when this happened. But what kind of employer shows so little concern when a new member of staff is so upset. And you must trust me when I say that this Henrietta has form.

Recess Monkey