It has been requested that Recess Monkey start holding caption competitions. This is a very low and cheap form of humour and therefore thoroughly in keeping with this site.

Please post your caption suggestions as comments or send further pics to me at hiltona@parliament.uk

Recess Monkey

There is an MP known as Dr Evil. This is more to do with a slight physical resemblance rather than any known desire to rule the world.

However, in recent weeks, Dr Evil has been causing a great deal of upset amongst staff and visitors. It seems that whenever someone swipes their card through the secure entry points around the Palace, there is a danger that Dr Evil is about to storm through the door ahead of you. On more than one occasion, security staff have been seen apologising for Dr Evil’s rude behaviour and it is rumoured that he has nearly been thumped by a Researcher.

So if you find yourself in a position where Dr Evil is bearing down upon you, subtly extend your leg to one side and watch him go flying.

Recess Monkey

As we get closer to the general election, increasing numbers of staffers are being selected to contest parliamentary seats. Some say we are ill-equipped to be MPs because we are already part of the village - and others suggest we would do well because we understand how things work.

The Commons already contains a number of former staffers, Stephen Twigg, Andrew Rossindell, Andrew Tyrie, Matthew Taylor and Chris Leslie are just a few. This time around, staffers working for Michael Howard, Tom Brake, David Hanson and numerous others are getting their names on a ballot paper. Even an Assistant to Paul Marsden is hoping to get selected in his seat. What do you think about this? have we got what it takes?

If you you work for an MP and are standing; or hoping to stand at the next General Election, send me a piece about yourself and a picture and I’ll post it here. hiltona@parliament.uk

By the way, any spoof ones about me will not be appreciated - unless they are funny.

Recess Monkey

Recess Monkey is happily advertising the event below. Please go and eat cake. It’s for a good cause!

Recess Monkey

“Dear friends

Prema Gurunathan
Research Assistant to Bob Laxton MP”

The departure of Peter Mandleson will leave a gap in Portcullis House. Recess Monkey is in no way suggesting there was a regular clink of Champagne glasses or an occasional whiff of CKone. Not even was there a chicken entrail or bone ever to be seen.

What will be missed will be the fact that once in a while you would be riding the lift, passing smalltalk with an affable man who happens to have been one of the most influential figures in British Politics in the 1990s.

Recess Monkey isn’t convinced Mandy was ever really suited to elected politics and hopes he won’t be offended if his new role is described as that of a fonctionnaire. Nevertheless, this monkey thinks Mandy will make an excellent European Commissioner, following in the footsteps of those other excellent representatives; Kinnock, Patten and Brittan.

The question that remains is, ‘who will fill Mandy’s void?’. Recess Monkey recommends http://guacamoleville.blogspot.com/ which seems to be a very good, impartial view of the campaign so far.

Recess Monkey

Inamicus of the LabourWatch website is gloating over indications that there may be a breakaway movement from the Labour Party for the North East Regional Assembly.

http://labour-watch.blogspot.com/2004/08/north-east-breakaway-party-formed-by.html

What Inamicus fails to grasp is what this means for the LibDems. Under the first-past-the-post electoral system, the LibDems are undoubtedly treated unfairly, however, the electorate is not stupid and understands how the system works. So, over time, the third party tends to accrue votes in protest against one or the other of the two major parties until we get to the situation where we are now, where increasing numbers of LibDems are being elected through FPP and at the expense of both major parties.

Under PR, the LibDems will face a different future. Wherever you look in the world, under PR, parties tend to fragment. This is because minor parties have a better chance of getting elected representatives - so any ambitious politician or one with policy priorities slightly differing from their party can set up a new party with the chance of being part of a government within 10 years rather than 30, 40 or 50.

So disaffected Tory supporters will be drawn to an alternative right-wing party (UKIP perhaps?) and disaffected Labour supporter can go to an alternative left-wing party. The Scottish Socialists are an example of how this can happen.

But where does this leave the LibDems? Under PR, there is no need for protest votes to go to the LibDems when there are other parties more closely aligned to voters’ beliefs, which is probably why there is so much jostling going on amongst the LibDems at the moment over who will define their ideology - they will increasingly need one as we roll out regional assemblies and move to an elected Lords. If we moved to PR for the Commons and for Local Authorities, there would be very little reason left for the LibDems to exist as one party, given their splits on a range of issues from macroeconomics to pornography.

Back in the North-East, LibDems would do well not to gloat. After all, a left-wing minority party that is well led and well organised will be much more at home in a Labour-led administration than would the LibDems with their irreconcilable diversity of views. They need only look at the importance of the Green Party in German politics to catch a glimpse of the future.

Recess Monkey

Less scrupulous staffers than Recess Monkey are recovering from the loss of the Daily Mirror’s “Scurra” column. More specifically, they are recovering from the loss of income as Mirror hack James Stein was well known for dishing out £50 a time for juicy parliamentary gossip.

Recess Monkey did get the occasional call from Scurra but he can confirm that a fee was never received from anything the Daily Mirror may have pinched fom this site in the past.

Recess Monkey

Before the recess, there were a few relatively quiet days around the Westminster Village and the muzzy heat seemed to have sedated most of the inhabitants of our arena. It was on one of these days that a delegation of well-dressed Germans found themselves in the public gallery for a meeting of the Public Accounts Committee.

Midway through the PAC’s proceedings, the division bell tolled and all the MPs in the room promptly rushed off to vote. Thinking this was a fire alarm, the German delegation rushed of with them and they were in the Government voting lobby before Labour Whips started questioning the identity of these interlopers.

Despite quickly deducing the problem, doorkeepers in the Members’ Lobby refused to allow the Germans to return the way they came and they were escorted past the tellers with embarrassed explanation. It was of course at this point that Tory Whips began questioning this irregularity.

All this would seem to be an innocent mistake until you go back to the start. They were voluntarily sitting in the gallery for the Public Accounts Committee? A likely story!

Recess Monkey

Last night in the staff Labour v Tory v LibDem rounders tournament in Hyde Park, Labour came out on top with victory over both the other two parties. The Tories lost both of their matches.

While the Labour team played in a spirit of fun and the Tories took it a bit more seriously with an extensive picnic for their team, the Liberals really got stuck in, with tactics, team talks, substitutions, questioning the rules, challenging the decisions of the independent referee and one member even refusing to accept he was out and continuing to bat! There even threatened to be violence at one point when the Liberals accused the Tories of cheating and it might have been handy to have the Electoral Commission around to mediate.

At the end, the Tories slunk off in defeat but Labour and Liberals continued the sport with a spot of football, also won by Labour, with the winning golden goal being scored by ‘a source close to the PM’.

If you have pics, please send them to hiltona@parliament.uk and they shall be posted.

Recess Monkey

***STOP PRESS***

Staffers are up in arms over the refurbishment of the Lords Bar. Although staff were aware of the refubishment, which has the bar closed until October, few knew that the new bar will be half the size and lose its access to the Terrace. The section backing onto the Terrace is to be converted into yet another restaurant.

This move reduces further the social opportunities available to staff as the nearby Sports & Social Club is often packed to the rafters and a number of alternative establishments on the precincts are for MPs and Peers only.

A telephone helpline is likely to be set up to give counselling to those staffers unable to cope without a stiff one after a day working for their Member.

Recess Monkey