Anyone who knows Cass in the Serjeant @ Arms Department should go to the Sports & Social Club at 5ish tonight and wish her a happy birthday.

Although she often sets Recess Monkey’s heart aflutter, he advises against outrageous flirting. Recess Monkey said, “Apparently her boyfriend is a stonemason so he has easy access to blunt, heavy objects”.

Recess Monkey

Don’t forget the Interns’ Network party tonight, 7pm in the Jubilee Room.

Evidently, the Interns’ Network holds a social each month in a local pub. The arrangements are quite complicated and they involve a stage, an auctioneer and a hammer. Manacles and loincloths are optional.

Recess Monkey said, “Always check the teeth. It’s a very good way of quickly assessing their general health”.

Titter ye not.

Recess Monkey

A friendly MP recently had his photo taken on the terrace with not one, but two young, attractive and female interns.

Unfortunately, on uploading the picture to the computer, this MP’s Assistant dicovered both the MPs hands were placed in easily misinterpretable places on the interns’ bodies.

Because of the Staffer’s technical expertise with Photoshop, the MP had his hands removed and a caption competition in the local newspaper was narrowly avoided.

The talented Staffer said, “That’s what we’re here for. They drop the ball and we have to scoop it up before it hits the ground”.

Recess Monkey

Yuba Bessaoud and Nick Speed of the Sunday Times this weekend outed Andre Walker, aide to Tory Vice Chairman Andrew Rosindell, as the staffer who went on Radio 5 to oppose gay rights.

Andre Walker, an aide to the Tory vice-chairman Andrew Rosindell, said on a BBC radio show last week that gay marriages were “deeply offensive to religious people” and that homosexuality should be “tolerated but not encouraged”.
“I’m saying that a gay relationship is inferior to a heterosexual relationship.” Sunday Times 28th March 2004

Andre Walker has since retracted his comments and apologised and he should be congratulated for being man enough to do so. Nevertheless, he was not invited to speak at today’s “We’re Tory and we love gays” conference in the Palace of Wesminster this morning.

Recess Monkey said, “I don’t hate gays, some of my best friends are gay.”

Hang on a moment, didn’t Andrew Rosindell’s constituency office just get firebombed? Does this mean there’s a gay paramilitary group at large in Romford?

Any further info about gay paramilitaries should be sent to Recess Monkey for investigation.

Friday’s exclusive event - the SNP’s “Putting the Party back into Politics” social - lasted approximately half an hour before running out of Cobra Beer.

At about 6.30, the marauding hoard of Scots invaded the Sports & Social Club in a sweeping incursion across Central Lobby, reminiscient of Rumsfeldian Shock & Awe tactics.

An English member of the club, who until that time had been having a quiet drink, told Recess Monkey, “There was nothing we could do. It was like Wallace sacking York all over again… but with less blue paint”.

But the S&S is nothing if not an inclusive establishment and there are rumours of a potential brandy/whisky/whiskey tasting competition in a move to reach out to our friends from the Nations.

Recess Monkey said, “I don’t hate the Scots, some of my best friends are Scottish”.

About 25 staffers attended the Norwich Union event yesterday.

They only managed to consume £1,000 of alcohol between them but they were merry enough to appreciate a former Cabinet Minister in the downstairs bar making his own attempt at an alcohol spending record.

Recess Monkey

Newly-appointed Vice-Chairman of the Conservative Party, Andrew Rosindell is rumoured to have suffered a firebombing in his constituency office today. Updates will be posted as they arise.

Be careful out there.

Recess Monkey

Yesterday saw the abrupt departure of Keith, the Bar Manager and his wife and assistant, Mon, from the Sports and Social Club.

An S&S insider told Recess Monkey that there will be no interruption of service as General Manager Ian has made rapid arrangements for a replacement and will be taking up the slack himself.

Although Keith and Mon will be missed by most S&S patrons, a few people may be forgiven for being pleased - namely those people Keith was due to face in the S&S darts tournement. He’s an ace with the arrows and a number of our darts athletes will be breathing a sigh of relief on hearing of his inevitable withdrawl.

Recess Monkey

The Interns’ Network is having a Party in Parliament to launch their project to make internships in the Westminster Village more transparent, fair and fun. Thursday, April 1st, 6:30 to 9:00, Jubilee Room
You don’t have to be an intern to go. They welcome past, present, or prospective interns, as well as anyone who is interested in our project to make internships in Westminster more valuable for both interns and employers.
To find out more about the Interns� Network, visit www.internsnetwork.org.uk

Once again, take your cameras.

Recess Monkey

The most exclusive social event this week will be hosted by the SNP, who have got hold of an enormous quantity of Cobra Beer, and which Recess Monkey has been told is not yet past its sell by date.

It appears this event will be Scottish themed and everyone attending will be obliged to do Mel Gibson/William Wallace impressions on entry.

If you have received an invite to this most exclusive of events, please don’t forget to take your digicams as Recess Monkey aims to sell pics to Hello! magazine for at least �100,000.

Recess Monkey