“Whoopsadaisy”, said Tory MEP and Leader of the Conservative Party in Europe Giles Chichester, when he was caught fiddling his expenses to the tune of £400,000 (that’s pounds - not euros). That one word has made it into nearly every TV and newspaper item on the scandal - and is no doubt the reason why the above advertisement has been placed in PR Week.
A note to applicants, “candidates must be able to demonstrate acute political and media judgement” - presumably because your boss will have a distinct lack thereof.
The salary is £45-55k - family companies are encouraged to apply.
Obviously, Recess Monkey no longer pays cash money for the Evening Standard, however, I retain a latent willingness to skim through the flotsam discarded on the tube. Is it just me or did anyone else notice that Iain Dale got three mentions in the Standard’s diary page yesterday?
It makes one wonder if Lord Ashcroft is about to purchase a lot of advertising space to promote his new Tory Politics magazine, published by his minion, Iain Dalecroft.
Serial shagger Nick Clegg is believe to have lied to Piers Morgan in his now-notorious interview when well over 30 people claimed to have had sex with the LibDems’ libidinous leader.
An exclusive poll of Recess Monkey readers discovered that - in fact - 73 people claim to have had intercourse with Clegg. A further 81 readers claimed to have done “more adventurous than the vanilla” with Nick, making a whopping total of 154 notches on the liberal lothario’s bed-post.
Between the frantic notching and other bedroom activity, Recess Monkey would be surprised if Nick’s bed wasn’t operating well beyond it’s design threshold.
28 Recess Monkey readers indicated they had partaken of oral pleasure (giving or receiving not specified) with Mr Clegg and a further 31 insisted their involvement with him was limited to “heavy petting and frottage“. In political circles, such activities are widely held not to count and so are not included in the overall statistics. 346 Recess Monkey readers responded to the survey, which was conducted under scientific conditions, of whom 133 people had yet to be recipients of Clegg’s famous hospitality.
Officials at Cowley Street were believed to be developing a range of graphs at the time of going to press.
The fabulous people at PubAffairs have scored a coup by landing the new magazine Total “Tory” Politics as a sponsor for their summer party.
Bankrolled by Lord Michael Ashcroft of Belize, who part-owns the Conservative Party, Tory Politics is published by Ashcroft minion Iain Dalecroft, whom one understands is a blogger of note.
The shindig will be at 6.30pm on Thursday 26th June and I shall be seeking to make the biggest possible dent in Ashcroft’s billions, while consuming only Gin and peanuts.
If you would like to join me in this quest, get your name on the list by emailing phil@PubAffairs.org
Browsing through the Tory website (as one does) I came across the Tories’ roadmap for government. Imagine my horror when I discovered that it includes moving nearly every single town in South West England for mysterious and unexplained purposes.
Godammit, even the Germans didn’t try that sort of malarkey! Or perhaps that’s what David Cameron means when he refers to “Broken Britain”.
Popular parliamentary figure, Luke Pollard, Labour’s candidate in South-West Devon, said;
“The Tories have never prioritised the South West and it’s a shame that they don’t even know where their own MPs are in Devon and Cornwall according to their website. If the Tories want the public to believe they are a party of government they could start with learning to read a map.
Some poor web designer is going to take the flack for this but the truth is the Tories have never really prioritised the needs of the people of Devon and Cornwall - Not when they were in Government and not in Opposition. But it’s ok because apparently they have a road map for government, it is just a shame it doesn’t seem to include the south west.”
Despite recent election results, the Young Fabians annual celebration of debauchery will be decidedly untempered this year and Recess Monkey has been promised a festival of hedonism at the 6th June Boat Party. It should be noted that the paparazzi are banned from this event and the boat’s windows will be blacked out to counter telephoto snooping.
Young Fabian Boat Party
6.30pm, Friday 6th June
The Miyuki Maru, Westminster Docks
To kick off the summer properly the Young Fabians will once again be holding a Young Fabian Boat Party in London. The boat party really does seem to get better every year and this year will be no exception – with free bubbly on arrival, and a DJ and a caricaturist to entertain you all evening.
Please see the Young Fabians website to sign up – please note, nobody’s ticket is guaranteed until payment is received before 12noon on Thursday 5th June. After that tickets can be bought on the door for £20 each.
Email Rebecca Rennison at rrennison@youngfabians.org.uk for further details.
A Recess Monkey source, on his way to The North, this morning called me in a panic after being surrounded at Euston station by an army of preppy young men in Chinos.
“Aha!”, I said, reassuring the young man. “You have not happenstanced across a Rick Astley convention. Obviously, you have encountered a gaggle of young Conservatives on their way to Crewe.”
No doubt, a strict directive has been issued to all Tory activists to dress down when migrating to The North, so the natives don’t see them as “Toffs”. Hence the uniform chinoage.
Indeed, as the Toffs in mufti arrived at Crewe, they were seen with one Ms Theresa “Nasty Party” May, by way of confirmation.
And in the distance, we hear Frank Field singing to Gordon: “never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you…”
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